Look. I'll be honest. My dodgy car story is more of a dodgy driver story, but NAH. HERE WE ARE, BLOGGING WITH RECKLESS ABANDON. Much like the driver featured in my story...
*For legal purposes, I have changed the names of all parties involved in this story. I am aware that some of the actions perpetrated within this account are felonies, but I AIN'T NEVER TALKING. Thank you.
*LAW AND ORDER DUN DUN*
Back in high school I played guitar in a couple of the school bands. Okay, that's not entirely accurate. I SHREDDED PEOPLE'S FACES OFF AS A BLOOD SACRIFICE TO THE LORDS OF MIGHTY VALHALLA in a couple of the school bands. This shredding meant that I had to leave school quite late occasionally, which was a total bummer because after school on Friday nights, I had work at Hungry Jacks. Work started around 5 or 6 usually, and my rehearsals would usually finish around 4. I didn't have my own car yet at the time, so I would usually have to catch public transportation, and this would usually suffice but this one particular afternoon however, practice ran quite late. Thus enters my would-be saviour, Beavis*. Beavis was in the grade above me and he owned a seafoam green Suzuki Swift. The old one. It had duct tape holding the front bumper on and I'm pretty sure one of the tires was the wrong size, but hey, it was a ride.
Beavis' Suzuki Swift looked like this.
Beavis, the gentleman that he was, offered me a lift to work knowing that I was running late. KIND MAN. He'd always been nice to me in our previous encounters, so I gladly accepted. LITTLE DID I KNOW JUST THEN THAT I HAD SIGNED AWAY MY SOUL TO SATAN. What Beavis forgot to mention was that he was not on his P's. No he was on his L's at the time. But it was "alright bro, my mate Kumar* here is on his P's, he can teach me!" I was desperate to get to my work, because I didn't wish to lose my prospective future career in fast food hospitality, so I got in anyway, along with two of my other mates Rita* and Paolo*.
Beavis' car was a manual. So this started us off with great difficulty as he was having trouble balancing the gas and the clutch. We pulled out of the school and he started honking. Oh my Lordy. We zoomed through the streets at a speed which indicated confidence of a driver who'd been driving for years. Unfortunately, Beavis had the skill of a driver who'd been driving for minutes. In fact. More like negative minutes. He had so little skill that it actually reversed. Anyway, Kumar would try to give Beavis tips on how to handle the car more smoothly, but BEAVIS DON'T GIVE A F***. Indicate left? Nah, don't worry. Slow down at zebra crossings? Not necessary. Clear the right at roundabouts? NAH. YOLO. This pattern continued until we reached the top of a hill, which had a roundabout on it. Beavis for once stopped the car at this intersection. However, he seemed to have forgotten that once the car stopped, he had to keep his foot on the clutch. So once the roundabout was clear, we started rolling backwards. Profanities flew across the car. I wee'd a little bit. Beavis wasn't really upset, he was just confused while trying to figure out this clutch thing. He took so long to figure it out, that we rolled right onto the front bumper of a lady in the Ford Territory behind us. The car goes silent....
Kumar yells "GO GO GO"
And so Beavis, spurred by the pressure of the situation, becomes an amazing driver within a split second, and zooms off, thus performing a hit and run which Homer Simpson and/or the dude from GTA would be proud of. He got onto a main road soon after that and it was home free. There were no more major hiccups except for when I got out. I retrieved my guitar from the boot, but Beavis forgot to put the handbrake on and so the car rolled its bumper into my shin. Not that bad. But still kinda crappy.
ANYWAY. This is my story. Please don't report me. Or Beavis. OH. He lost his license in the end anyway, due to an unrelated driving offense. I LOVE YOU!
- Ramonito
