Even At Our Worst We're Still Better Than Most.

Obviously, the vehicle that sits comfortably atop the pile of glory that is Worst Car Ever is my ex-magna. Una pieza de mierda que I sincerely hope is rotting somewhere. Seriously, fine readers, heed my advice. Do not buy a car off a dude in Penrith with a weird hook-finger. It will only bring you sorrow, suffering and extreme poverty. Every day your man here was all like “¡Esta weá no funciona, vete a la mierda!”

Actually, that mid-nineties era of Magnas are kinda all like, wow. Or maybe that's just my experience. CONFIRMATION BIAS.

A friend once had an old, possibly built in the 70's, I really don't know, Renault. Eat my embedded sentences YEAH! It was pretty suck. It would forget about the whole handbrake/park thang from time to time and he would return to find it gently resting on whatever happened to be downhill from wherever it was he had decided to park. Awesome. To be fair doe, that car was merely old and cannot be held entirely to blame for what are essentially little more than the charms and quirks of a well-aged machine.

No, no, if we are truly talking 'Worst Car' it's not fair to pick on one that did all that was required of it until eventually, it collapsed in upon itself. Rather, we must acknowledge these monumental clusterfucks that get produced and suck from day zero. These vehicles that somehow manage to slip through R&D, trials, prototypes, taste, logic 'n all dat. Our very own creations that slide on out the other side of a production line as some sort of obnoxious, in-yo-face monstrosity of design, motoring and human achievement. Something like, well, here's the thing. I don't know. Sure I could google and pretend like I know. But I'm an honest man, man. My heart wouldn't be in it. Sure, I could rant about a certain Pontiac Aztec or that one Pinto but I don't really know what I'm talking about.

What I do know though, is that this blog entry is going to leave you with similar feels to those provided by a shitty car. Sure, it fills a need and there is a fair-to-good chance it will get you where you need to be but you cannot help but feel disappointed, frustrated, cheated and a little uglier for being associated with it.

For that I am sorry.

Not really.

My reviews are so average they aren't even really reviews.

Video unrelated:

Word.

-anxzibitinyoxzibit

A Prospector Can Dream.

So we are taking this week to write about our dream cars. Something I honestly have never really thought about. I have no idea. Like, if there was no question of $$$ what vehicle would I drive? Like I said, no idea. This makes me weird right? I'm racking here. I'd probably want something that I can use to get out to climbing/hiking spots in the mountains, has some boot space, and can drive itself 'cause I get drunk regularly and driving whilst drunk is kinda hard DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE EVERYBODY. When I was a child I obsessed over those mid-nineties Jeep Cherokees for some reason, you know, the XJ ones. Those angles, dat ruggedness. Oh yeahh.

Apparently they are pretty highly regarded too, I guess 13 year-old me knew what he was talking about.

Oh man I found one! A proper Dream Car.

It's called the Dream Car 123 and it's ridiculous and I can't even pretend to be serious about it. It looks like this:

I know right? The inventor claims he will be able to create an electric car that can hit 400km/h. This current edition can get to 60 on a downhill. You know, like a bicycle or tennis ball. We have a ways to go but I have faith in my man here. I would rep this guy but his site appears to have died. Which hardly fills me with confidence. Maybe he's so busy with improving this already stellar vehicle that internet presence has dropped down the priority list. Maybe. He does have a sweet Youtube channel though: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheDreamCar, mostly filled videos informing one on the correct way to use various tools. Which I guess is relevant. Anyway, the pyramid shape is obviously heaps futuristic or something. Now that I have seen it for myself, I am somewhat surprised that there are not more (or even any) pyramid-shaped vehicles on our roads. The advantages of a pyramid-shaped vehicle are so obvious and numerous that I won't bore you by listing them all.

That wasn't even close to a review.

Word.

-anxzibitinyoxzibit

Ecotec to VTEC. My Car Beginnings.

Hey guys, VTECpony here, time for my first actual 'post' post, and where better to start than my humble beginnings as a learner driver. Being as keen to drive as any young teenager, I got my learner's licence at the age of 16, and was lucky enough to be given the permission to 'borrow' my parents' old car, a beautiful 1997 Holden VT Commodore in Navy Blue.
Apologies to all but I was unable to dig up an image from the archives of my embarrassing family photos, so instead I've provided an image of a very similar Commodore from the NRMA web site.

(Image source: http://www.mynrma.com.au/media/holden_commodore_vt_s_1998.jpg)

The main differences from the image above would be the wheels, the colours, and the white man in sunglasses.

Now as a first car, or any car, for that matter. The Holden VT Commodore was an amazing car, reliable, cheap to run (parts and servicing for aussie cars is always good), maintenance was a breeze, and you had the power of a 3.6L Ecotec engine for the standard models, which provided great power, but also fairly reasonable fuel efficiency for a V6 at the time. The Holden VT Commodores from 1997-1999 have become an Australian icon, and the workhorse for many families, with low costs to run whilst providing great reliability and power. This was a car I was grateful to drive as a first car and deserves its title as number 1 in Australian sales.

Sadly, the Commodore had grown old and served its time well, and the time came when it inevitably had to be replaced. Bernardo, as he was called, no rests not too far away in a Pick'n'Payless, where he may live on in other cars. In time I had saved up enough money to put towards a new car, and had decided to purchase brand new, to avoid on-road costs and save money on insurance. Enter...the 2012 Honda City VTi.

(2012 Honda City VTi...also known as Patricia)

So, down to the numbers, the engine is a 1.5L i-VTEC inline 4 cyclinder engine which is GREAT for fuel efficiency, using on average, 6.6L per 100km, which is one of the most fuel efficient small cars around without going hybrid. Being a small engine, the 1.5L SOHC engine only puts out 88kW of power, which isn't alot, and on uphills is where you find that out first hand. Standout features are the 503L boot capacity, front-side and curtain airbags, and USB/iPod/Bluetooth connectivity as standard, and its surprisingly tight and smooth handling for a 1090kg car.

In a nutshell, the pros are a great looking car packed full of features, the best of which would have to be its fuel efficient engine and inbuilt connectivity, however if I had to pick out any cons, it'd be its lack of power (which in some cases, may be a good thing).

Outside

Inside

Shasta Strawberry. For that thug smell.

And those are my cars to date from a monster 3.6L Ecotec...to a cute, sensible, 1.5L iVTEC, I still love both cars for their own traits and serve as great first or second cars respectively. The Commodore will always be an icon for the reliable car that can stand up to anything, whilst City goes to show how far we've come for efficient and clean driving, while keeping things simple.

Till next time.

-VTECpony

Runnin' With the Devil

Hola, my name is Ramonito, your friendly, slightly Mexican car reviewer. What's that? You smell sulfur? RED DEVIL COMIN' FOR YOU. Today I will be reviewing my beloved whip, the Red Devil. There may or may not be pictures depending on whether or not she lets me close to her today. She's camera shy, you see.

The Red Devil is actually a 1994 Toyota Corolla (I know right? FRIGGIN' BEAST). She was bestowed upon me by my parents who hustled her off of a mate in game of mahjong. She's got low kms for her age, as she was only used during full moons for ritualistic purposes, and for picking up kids from school 5 minutes away. Just walk, far out. Anyway, she packs a whopping 0.8L engine, because clearly 1L engines wouldn't make sense at all. She's got no window tint 'cause she ain't scared of a little melanoma. She has no cup holders because don't drink and drive obviously. Only the front speakers work consistently because if you're sitting in the back, I don't want you to hear what kind of music I'm playing. She's dark red just like Satan. She's got these sick, black plastic hub caps which were given to me by Santa Claus for Christmas 2010 (YEAH, I STILL BELIEVE, WHAT?). Overall, I would say that she looks like a red Batmobile, if Batman was a poor Filipino boy.

OH, BUT HOW SHE RUNS. Don't let her 0.8L fool you, this baby packs a poke. How much of a poke? Try 0-100 in about 2 minutes on the M4. Holla. I've never gone to 110 though because my car started shaking. She takes hills like a cyclist of average fitness, unless you turn on the air conditioning, in which case you have about as much horsepower as a pram with fat twins in it. CHILDHOOD OBESITY. NOT FUNNY. She seems to run faster when I play Van Halen on my iPod. She handles like a Mario Kart ever since I got the left drive shaft replaced. Not sure what that means, but my mechanic didn't speak English very well so he must be good. I can now successfully evade police* and have done so on several occasions.

*if they are parked 

Now please excuse me while I attempt to take some pictures of this elusive creatures. I may or may not return, so here is a video to watch while I'm away. Wish me luck.

WHEW. WELL. THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. I had to Steve Irwin my way around her in order to get some good shots but I managed to get them. Here's a few pictures of the Red Devil in her natural habitat, my driveway.

The Red Devil

Them Rims

Interior. Those brown stains are chocolate, I promise.

Back seat. aka my dining room.

Poor Filipino Batman in a poor Filipino Batmobile

So that's my ride. Respect her or she will eat you. Posting this a day early, I'm going on a road trip tomorrow. RED DEVIL RIDIN'. Laters

-Ramonito

Once you're soaked it doesn't matter if it's raining.

Yo, I am anxzibitinyoxzibit and I review cars man.

I don't know anything about cars really, but I promise to try.

I know stuff about chainsaws and tractors, they're like cars right?

Anyway, about my own car.

When my truly awful Magna finally died for good early last year I decided to see how I would fare going carless. It was nice. I live close to University and a good train station so getting where I need to go was not too problematic. I am firmly in the minority that believes, all things considered, Sydney public transport is good enough (the other members of this minority consist of Gladys Berejiklian and this one guy who lives and works near Town Hall station). I enjoyed not having a car, that feeling of dependence on others, the way people roll their eyes when you tell them you choose not to own a car. It's heaps good man. Alas, the time came when I needed to return to my job on a farm out west and with that came the realisation that I needed a car to get to work to earn $$$$ to pay for the car that I needed to get the $$$$$ to justify owning a car again. Awesome.

My vehicular standards were low; all I was looking for was something that ticked these boxes:

• Less that $2000.
• More than 6 months rego.
• More than one functioning speaker.
• Front wheel drive so I can actually get off the farm after it rains and turns all driveways into muddy trails of mud.
• Barbie themed seat belt pad things 'cause seat belts are wicked uncomfortable.
• A smell of burning oil.
• A cracked radiator.
• I could fit inside it (being 6' 6” is awesome).

After hours of trolling through Gumtree, I found it. My car. A 1994 Camry. It had everything I wanted and nothing more. The roof lining sagged onto my head, the Barbie seat belt covers were bright pink, the CD player ate, rather than played, CD's. FUCK YES I WANT THIS CAR.

I totally found $2 in the seat the day after purchase too. Almost payed for itself this car.

Nearing one year on and I am still overjoyed at my purchase. The burning oil smell lingers strong in the nostrils long after even the shortest voyage. The massively cracked windshield makes me fear for every time I forget to brake for a speed bump. The standard Camry bonnet paint deterioration is coming along nicely. I eventually worked out how the fuck to jack the CD player and put in a new one and the speakers distort all the bass when I play my Trap banGers or Thug Life Vol. 1 at 1/3 volume like a bro. 

Pac keeps things fresh

Probably should repair this. Maybe.

 

It even has a fucking car alarm because, obviously, everyone wants to steal a '94 Camry. Once, the door closed in the wind with my keys on the front seat, locking me out. Luckily I had access to the long thin piece of metal required to break into the car. There is a dead battery and piles of work clothes in the boot and random bottles of beer show up from time to time. Off-road trips in the Blue Mountains have been an overwhelming success.

Totally passed rego too.

-anxzibitinyoxzibit